The Problem(s) With Complaining

One day when I was first dating my wife, Catherine Auman, I dropped by her West L.A. apartment to pick her up. Walking past a mirror, I noticed a Post-It note that read:

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"30 Days, 0 complaints."

I called out to her, "Are you trying not to complain for 30 days?"

The moment of hesitation told me she hadn't expected me to see the note. She answered, somewhat meekly, "Yes."

I was impressed, and I asked, "Can I join you?"

Her voice brightened as she answered, "Sure!"

That was when I started to realize I'd found my person, and though I'm pretty sure we were complaining about something or other before the night was over, it was nice to have someone encouraging me to be and do better.

So, what's wrong with complaining? Most people would agree that complaining just for the sake of it can make other people uncomfortable, but did you know it's actually bad for your brain and your health?

Complaining can trigger the release of the stress hormone cortisol, putting you into fight-or-flight. It damages areas of the brain responsible for problem-solving and memory, and chronic complaining can make future negative thoughts automatic and easier to trigger.

It can also become habitual. Remember, habits are cultivated through practice and repetition. Repeat the behavior enough and it starts to become more and more automatic.

But here's something you might not have considered. When complaining is part of your repertoire, you tend to sort for what might be good "complaint material," evaluating every frustration or annoyance through that lens.

And when you're viewing your world that way, you want bad things to be reallybad, because the "best" complaints result from us being upset - better yet, incensed or outraged.

What if the guy at the grocery store accidentally squashes one of your tomatoes? If he apologizes immediately and runs to get you another, that's a pretty lame complaint. But, what if the same guy carelessly throws a watermelon on your entire bag of tomatoes and doesn't even notice?

Now, that's a good complaint.

Examine your thoughts as you go about your day. Are you evaluating the events of your life for their complaint-worthiness? Are you secretly wishing something would be a little worse?

• For the person who cuts you off in traffic to nearly run you off the road?
• That the person who put you on hold sounded annoyed that you had the nerve to call their place of business?
• Or for the guy bagging your groceries to put all of your produce at the bottom of the bag?

Humans are going to complain about something at some time. It's our nature, and sometimes complaints are justified, but we can be mindful about how often we complain, to whom, about what, and why.

If you'd like, you can try complaining less and see how it feels. You might be surprised.

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